Malaise /məˈlāz/

Lately I’ve been feeling unmotivated. Questioning if a depressive episode is creeping in. I’ve settled on the term malaise - mostly because I like the way it sounds. Turns out it is also an accurate usage of the word: a feeling of being unwell, fatigued, or generally not yourself. 

I am four weeks post-op from my mastectomy. While I feel SO much better than I did those first few weeks: less brain fog and pain, my energy and endurance are still recovering.  Which is to be expected and also wildly annoying.

Physically, I don’t think I prepared myself enough for the reconstruction process, which began the same day as my mastectomy with the placement of the expanders. The expanders are like boob shaped balloons that can be inflated with air and eventually water as the body heals from the mastectomy. Then the plastic surgeon goes in three months post-op and switches out the expanders – which have been stitched into the chest wall to keep them in place – and replaces them with the implants.

You know what isn’t fun? Having your healing boob skin stretched out by medical grade water balloons. Also, the feeling of the extra weight on my chest, from said water balloons, feels remarkably similar to my anxiety. Naturally, triggering my real anxiety, (insert eye-rolling emoji).

With clothes on, I look like I have boobs and have even worn a regular bra a couple times. The reality is that they feel like someone has sliced an unripe grapefruit and sewn the two halves to my chest. I remind myself this is all normal and temporary as I reread the messages from women who have walked this road before me.

What is perhaps most surprising to me, is that I’ve actually grown to like this slower pace of life with less responsibility. But also, who wouldn’t love a month without having to worry about what was for dinner or the laundry?

No, Kelly, it’s ok to enjoy breaks - even medically induced ones - every now and then (yes, I’m talking to myself through the blog – this is where we are, roll with it). It doesn’t mean I need to rework my whole life plan and personality (deep breath).

I’m also very aware that this hiatus is temporary. I return to my board obligations at CURE Epilepsy and the Undiagnosed Diseases Network Foundation in July. And my next book, The Luckiest, will be published in 136 days according to the countdown app on my phone. Marketing, tour, and audio book (I’m narrating again!) emails are already picking up.

Life is going to pick up and with it hopefully my malaise with begin to fade. Or the world will crumble around us as we enter World War III under authoritarian leadership. Who knows what will happen! Honestly, it’s no wonder why any of us might be feeling unwell, fatigued, and not quite ourselves.

 Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to dive back into a murder documentary or mystery book until someone says they need me. Temporary escapism at its finest, folks. Works every time… until it doesn’t.

ID: Kelly laying on Miguel’s shoulder on their couch. Kelly is wearing a white top and Miguel a light blue t-shirt.